There's a phrase I heard once long ago in the movie charlotte's web that I feel defines my night right now. It's 3:45. My stomach is empty, and my mind is full. I can't sleep worth a damn.

I've already eaten a bowl of cereal, so that takes care of that part, now I just need to empty my mind. Unfortunatly, I haven't talked to any one person for a good long time all weekend. At least not in any serious manner. So all I have in my head right now are ramblings. The overflow of an idle mind that's used to constant work and problem solving. So I'm going to use this magical medium we call "Facebook notes" to empty my mind a bit. And I'm going to go topic by topic, and I'm going to write in passion, without structure, grammer, spelling, all that jazz, so bare with me, and read it as if I was speakin' it.

1. Directors

Over the past month, I've had enough experiences with directors that I've come to a few conclusions about what they should be. There are several things that a truely great director does, but the key goal is to create the best piece of performance art that can be done on a stage. There's a hitch, however. Y'see, a lot of directors get caught up in their own goals, their own agendas. For some reason, there are a bunch of directors who have lost the point. The point of any sort of performance art, where you got a whole bunch of people coming together to put on one big show, is the people. The point is the amalgam up artistic skill and culture that brings performance art to it's peak. It ain't the ideas of one person. It ain't the goals and agendas of one person. The directors job is to direct. Not to dictate. Granted, there is a lot of work that goes into directing.

One of which, is leadership. Leadership is an amazingly complex thing. Books have been written about it. Many many books with many many readers. Most of it is rather intuitive though, and some of those books are ancient. Which draws me to a conclusion. the concept of leadership has been around for thousands of years. And every principal dictating it's use has been around for a long time. There's no new discoveries in leadership. it seems like such a limited concept. And yet, it's so complex, most people have no clue what they're doing when they're given the opportunity to lead.

perhaps the only reason I draw this conclusion is that basic truth that "power corrupts." I, however, refuse to believe that everyone who is given power will be corrupted. And I could site many sources, Teddy Rosevelt, John F. Kennedy, among others. And yet, so many people, given just a little power will lord it over those around them, and use it stupidly. I'm not going to say from whome I draw this conclusion from, as I would offend many here. But as far as directors are conserned, they need to be leaders. True Leaders. Wise leaders.

And that's my gripe, though I have more personal sentences to add about a couple peoples character I will end it here.

Now, on a positive note...

2. ASP

The appalachia Service project (ASP) is a truly and wholing amazing thing. We do some amazing stuff down there in appalachia, providing warmer, safer, drier environments for those living in poverty, and I'm not sure a lot of people really understand the perspective.

When I go down there, the difference is breathtaking. You go down there, you're in a whole new world. It just reminds me how privaledged I really am. Up 'round here, I got five bedrooms in my house. And two bathrooms. The first year I went to ASP, I worked on this dinky little trailer. It had one bedroom. And one bathroom. And the toilet didn't even work. Up here, my parents got 4 kids. Which is guite a bit. But down there, in their one bedroom/one bathroom house, they got 5 kids. And a cousin was visiting at the time, too. And you know what? Them folks was happy. Not just fake happy, you smile at the nice people come round to fix your house so they don't break nothin', I mean they were seriously happy to have someone working on their house. Granted that was probobly my worst year out of the bunch, cause I didn't know how to do anything, but they were still happy. And that is just plain astounding.

That's all I got to say about that.

Of course, this is mearly an opinion paper without sources and facts, Who knows, I could be going completely insane, and some of my ethics are way off base. Either way, any opinons would be greatly appreciated. Especially, but not limited to, those tagged here. I would enjoy everyone's opinions.

So, for all of those that don't know already, I've become a devote christian. This weekend, I spent my friday and saturday at a christian retreat for this course I'm taking called alpha. I wanted to share my experience with you, it went a bit like this:

Over the past few weeks, I've been getting more and more negative. The stress was pilling on, from my mother, my girlfriend's mother, from school, from college and future plans, and from this co-op job. It all seemed to be stacking against me, and I was getting more and more irriate as the days went on.

This weekend, i think, has change that for my life. My entire life, I think.

The lesson for this retreat was on the holy spirit, and how God uses the holy spirit to empower us to do great things. Going in, I thought I already knew all this. I thought I had already experience the power of the holy spirit.

Turns out, I had no clue how powerful it could be.

after the second to last talk, we were asked to sit in our small groups and pray. And we did. I remember thinking I really need to pee as I was praying. And I really did. But I sat and I kept praying, seriously praying, keeping my focus. Then, we were asked if we wanted a group leader to pray for us, standing next to us, in a personal prayer, just for us. My group leader was my friend Mike Turner. He came to me and asked if I wanted him to pray for me about something. At first, I was standoffish, as I had something on my mind that I didn't want to share, but then I thought, I should really experience this, so I asked him to pray about something equally as important to me, but much less personal. My job and future.

he took a knee next to me, and (warning me beforehand) rested his hand on my shoulder. Then he went into a prayer. The thing is, the most powerful part of the prayer didn't mention my problem with the job. It was something that I hadn't told him that was also deeply concerning me.

We had talked that day about the fruits of the spirit, or the qualities you get when you accept the holy spirit into your heart. These are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, happiness and self-control. It hadn't occured to me at the time, but the thing that was stressing me the most about this job was the way my mother didn't seem to understand. What he said was "Lord, help him(me) to get along with his mom. Grant him peace to help him with that."

I realized, then and there, god was speaking through Mike. I hadn't told him directly that I was incredibly stressed out about this conflict between my mom and me. And yet, there it was. The solution to my problem, staring me in the face. I lacked the holy spirit, right up till then. And I cried from the sheer power of the spirit filling me back up, giving me strength again. And I spun in wonderment for what seemed like forever.

Really, it was 20 minuets. At the end of which I discovered I still had to pee.

But that is the power of the holy spirit. I'd forgotten almost all of the day, except that one moment, and the moments after. It was so amazing.

I highly recommend a few doses of the Holy Spirit every couple months or so. To everyone. Regardless of race, color, sex. Regardless of what happened in your past. Just come to the spirit. Experience this joy, this love. Open your hearts and minds to this amazing feeling I experienced today. You'll find it makes life a lot more livable, and meaningful.

You ever notice how the only thing people seek in the world is some sort of beauty? Even rapists, they seek what they think is the Beauty of control, or the beauty of a woman in desperation. Granted I would never seek as such, but I do seek my own beauties, as everyone does. I've seaked the beauty of knowledge, and the beauty of a good story. Sometimes, when I find some good knowledge, I have a tendency to lord it over people, the beauty of superiority. But I'm trying very hard to correct that problem of mine, and throw it into another beauty, such as the beauty of humility.

There are also those who seek the beauty of narcotic induced euphoria. But then, perhaps, with careful control and a willingness to change, they can adjust themselves like I plan to, replacing their need for one beauty with another.

I've had, for a long time, a desire to seek the beauty of sex. I loved thinking about women, and sex, and how much fun it was going to be when I finally got some. But the downside is, when I seek sex, I look like a creep and a pervert, and I don't get what I want, especially in my case (cause, hell, I'm no eye candy). Sometimes it felt wrong craving sex from the women I knew. Because I knew if I did end up fulfilling those fantasies it would end up awkward afterwards when I lost the desire to have sex with them, lust being as fickle as it is.

So I changed myself, I stopped seeking the beauty of sex and started seeking the beauty of a deeper connection. Of love, and kindness. I started seeking a connection with people that was a lot deeper, and more intact, less fickle. The kind of connection you can only get when you understand who someone is so fully that you can't help but love them. And in doing so, I've become a happier person.

I still have a few beauties in my life that I should probobly stop seeking (such as video games). As a human I will always be imperfect, just as everyone else is. But maybe, just maybe, if I keep trying, and working hard, to seek perfection. I will eventually achieve it without ever knowing. Perhaps arriving at perfection isn't what makes us perfect, perhaps just the journey of perfection is what makes us perfect.

All in all, life is beautiful.

That's all I have to say about that.